Have you ever had a good day until things get too loud and too crazy? You know the feeling when you just feel like you could just explode? Yeah, me too. I love my family very much, but there are times when just coexisting with them in the same house can be overwhelming. I’m sure that’s just a part of my anxiety and depression and just who I am these days. Don’t get me wrong, I love my family more than life itself and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt my relationship with them. It’s just that sometimes I want to crawl back into a quiet corner and just be peaceful. That would be so nice sometimes, but it doesn’t happen when there is always something that has to be done, or someone needs this from you or that from you. Mom, I need lunch money. Mom, I can’t find my shoes. You have to know where everything is and what’s going on in everyone’s world. AGGHHHHH…
Living with depression just zaps the life right out of you. You don’t have the energy to do everything or know where everything is. Heck, you sometimes don’t think getting out of bed will happen, but when you have kids that rely on you? Well, you don’t have a choice. There are times I think that if just one more person asks one more thing of me, I’ll crack, like an eggshell. I feel fragile and insecure. The feelings pass, but what if they didn’t? I’m lucky to have a wonderful husband and great kids, but when I’m working, I just feel like I need some quiet me time.
I get very stressed out with my job anymore. It’s not because I don’t like what I do, it’s because of the changes in how things are at work. Changes are happening everywhere in my field and I know I’m not the first one to say, it just isn’t good. I’m a nurse and we are always having to do more work with less. It’s the times we live in and all the healthcare reform. It’s also a statement about society as a whole. I’m not saying all the changes have been terrible, but the working more with less concept certainly is. They call it “working smarter”. Rubbish! I do everything I’m asked and I still feel that it’s never going to be enough. Then I come home and still feel like I’m not enough.
Is there an answer? I know there is. The problem is that no one really wants to hear the answers because it will cost them more money to fix the problems in productive society. My answer in my tiny world is to work outside my home less. I know what I can and can’t handle. It doesn’t make me a less than stellar human being. I pitch in and I’m a team player who tries to help my coworker as much as I can. The bottom line though, I have to make sure to take care of me. I can’t take care of anyone else if I don’t take care of me first. I am enough. I am far more than enough. I am fabulous and I have people who love me. Most of all, I also have learned to love myself.